Joke of the day

PARKING TICKET

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked geek. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of garbage. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not going to come.

Noses can run
Feet can smell

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?""No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive. "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!""Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Yep.

A snail walks into a bar, the bartender says we don’t serve snails here and picks him up and throws him out. 

A week later the snail comes back in and says, 

What the heck did you do that for. 

On Amazon when you buy the book "What Causes Kidney Stones",
it says, "....People who bought this book also bought a shotgun."

  I keep kicking around the idea of a Chinese/German fusion restaraunt. Maybe make some General Tso's Schnitzel, bratwurst-stuffed wontons etc.
I'd call the place "WOKTOBERFEST".  

The only problem is, an hour later, you're hungry for power...

World war 11   

My wife told me to put ketchup on the grocery list and now she can't read it.

Actual photo I took this afternoon at a local pub in Suamico WI.    Located across the street from a BALL diamond….   

My superiority complex is not as good as yours.

Was the " No kings protest " cancelled on the east coast because Charles and Camilla are visiting??  

Well Fishlovme.....  A wise man once told me.  Fishing, golf, marriage.  Pick 2.   So, I don't golf.

  

Husband is making fish.  Says to wife "I hope you enjoy these free fish."  Wife says "those fish aren't free after the cost of the boat, the gas, and all of the fishing equipment!" Husband says "now wait a minute, you can't double dip! Either I have an expensive hobby and free fish or I have a free hobby with expensive fish.  Think about it.  If I golfed then I'd have an expensive hobby AND we'd be paying for this fish right now!"