I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked geek. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of garbage. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
General Discussion
Joke of the day
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A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”
Husband: Who is Priscilla?
Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.
Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?
Wife: Where are you??
Husband: Near the vegetable market.
Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...
After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”
Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.
Husband: Who is Priscilla?
Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.
Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?
Wife: Where are you??
Husband: Near the vegetable market.
Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...
After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”
Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.
While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?” “Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dik.”
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless"with a big smile on his face.
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless"with a big smile on his face.
Displaying 16 to 30 of 7,547 posts
