I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked geek. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of garbage. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Joke of the day
4 guys went on a fishing trip in Boundry Waters, 2 to a tent. No one wanted to share a tent with Bob, because he snored so loud. They decided it wasn't fair to make just one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy, Mike, slept in Bob's tent and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and eyes all bloodshot. They asked, "Mike, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loud, I just tossed and turned all night."
Next night was Larry's turn. In the morning, he looked terrible too. They said, "Larry, what happened to you? You look awful."
He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the tent with his snoring!"
The third night was Fred's turn. He was a big, strapping dude, a man's man.
Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning, guys!"
They couldn't believe it. "How in the world did you get a good nights sleep?"
He said, "Well, when we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Bob in, patted his butt and kissed him good night."
"Bob sat up and watched me all night"
A very drunk dude gets off his barstool and heads for the men's room.
A couple minutes later, there's a loud scream from the men's room.
A couple of minutes later another loud scream.
The bartender finally runs to the men's room door and asks the drunk, "Why are you screaming? You're scaring all the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush, something comes up and clamps onto my balls!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says to the drunk, "You friggin' idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"