A Brief History of the Great Boarder War - Chap. 3.1

By Jay C. Lorenz - January 1, 2004
Of the entire world's conflicts, perhaps the most misunderstood is the ongoing battle that we know too well as The Great Border War. In an effort to promote world peace, and because I am apparently short of entertainment, I have conducted considerable research into this chasm and as an amateur historian I feel compelled to offer up the benefit of my findings for all. Some of you may wonder "why should I care about the analysis of an AMATEUR?" and I appreciate this question. I was once a professional, with a thriving history shop in Tupelo, Mississippi. Unfortunately, the recession of 1981, coupled with a regrettable scandal over the correct spelling of Czechoslovakia, left me destitute and reduced to pursuing my other marketable talent; delivering Domino's Pizza in the greater Tupelo metropolitan area.

For those of you who are too young to know, The Great Border War involves the cultural divide that centers itself over the arbitrary borderline drawn between the States of Illinois and Wisconsin. Some ignorant individuals may claim that there are other conflicts of greater importance. I have even heard rumors of a squabble between New York and New Jersey. However, more careful research has led to the following observations. New York is a long ways away, and who cares about New Jersey anyway? If we were to waste our time wondering over a boring state, we would wonder over Indiana which is at least as boring and a whole lot closer. Also, it is an indisputable fact that both are "New," so obviously our war is older, more important, better, and in a word "Great."

James A. Michener was a famous amateur historian in his own right. He would start a rendition of this dispute by reciting detailed accounts of the geological formation of the area, the faunas, the flowing waters, the placid lakes, the fishes and animals, and the meteorological symmetry of the passing seasons over eons and eons. I myself am not that ambitious and will spare us all maybe two or three hundred pages of real crap by jumping right to the crux of the Great Border War.

Chapter Three (.1)

Each year since the "Loss at LaCrosse" (no one is sure who won), at sunrise on the Friday preceding Thanksgiving, the Illinois American forces attack by land in armored columns of luxury SUVs, hoping to sport utilize the Wisconsin American landscape. They bring with them firearms of mass destruction. They bring the wife's useless miserable brother who they hope will not survive the battle. And they bring the entire contents of a two car garage carefully packed on a trailer, that was new for maybe 20 minutes back in 1974, secured in place using the wife's retired laundry line and a single frayed bungee cord. All are clad in blaze orange, drive at 90 mph unless the trailer gives up the ghost, and possess documents that purport to represent themselves as full time Wisconsin American residents for the purpose of procuring a deer hunting license. Waiting at the border is the legitimate Wisconsin American contingent. Themselves arrayed in armored columns, the northern forces are transported in 1983 Dodge pickups that are powered by 318 ci V-8s that will vapor lock whenever the temperature rises above 40 degrees. They scout the advancing hordes using Chrysler K-Cars. While all Wisconsin Americans agree that Lee Iacocca had really screwed up AMC, they observe that the '83 Dodge and the Chrysler K-Car are the only respectable vehicles left and they are certainly no replacement for the Javelin. Adding to the confusion about to begin, the Wisconsin Americans are also clad in blaze orange and possess firearms of mass destruction. Wisconsin Americans also like to drive 90 mph, though their vehicles, whether utilizing a sport or not, rarely allow it.

A third force in play is the combined rosters of the Wisconsin American State Patrol and the Wisconsin American Department of Natural Resources, brought in by George Steinbrenner to referee the event and keep the official score. Being the only force not clad in blaze orange, these guys are fairly easy to pick out of a crowd. Not being direct participants, the "third force" is treated by the others with all the respect afforded a UN peacekeeping detachment from Turkey.

Thereupon commences a nine-day period of battle, which since everyone is dressed in blaze orange, is extremely difficult for those keeping score at home. Wisconsin Americans delight in selling Illinois Americans "deer corn" for $20 a bushel, which the Illinois Americans are only too happy to buy. Illinois Americans delight in trespassing over to a Wisconsin American's $4 a bushel corn pile and blazing away with firearms of mass destruction. The Illinois contingent makes no distinction among their quarry. Deer are the primary target, but dairy cows, elk, goats, sheep, raccoons, skunks, and tweety birds also are considered legitimate prey. One year, an Illinois American even filled his bonus tag with a Wisconsin American pet emu, who had been named Elmer of course by children wishing to memorialize their late grandfather.

Author Jay C. Lorenz

Jay C. Lorenz
Jay C. Lorenz was once a professional historian, with a thriving history shop in Tupelo, Mississippi. Unfortunately, the recession of 1981, coupled with a regrettable scandal over the correct spelling of Czechoslovakia, left Jay destitute and reduced to pursuing his other marketable talent; delivering Domino's Pizza in the greater Tupelo metropolitan area.